I am now officially old.....

So I turned 32 on the 18th. It was just another day, that is when you know your old, not a party not a cake but I can't complain because my family all took the time to call or text me a Happy birthday and my kids made a little purse for me with the help of my friend Tim, and a sewing machine. School has been awesome and I am learning so much about myself. I wake up looking forward to school and what the day will bring. Life is good and hopefully my old age doesn't come with any of that gray hair, I have been fortunate that way still. Believe me when I say I make the hair dresser at the salon check for them because I do.

School Starts on Monday

School starts on Monday. I am so anxious to start, this time I am all prepared, I have all my books and I am ready to go. All I have to say today is I am actually a little excited for Monday. I know I can do this, it is something I want, I don't know why and I am not to sure what I want to be but I know I want to be able to tell someone I have an associates degree, or bachleors degree, how awesome is that? But I also have an interest with going to a school where you learn how to tattoo women's make up on, like eyebrows or eyeliner or whatever, my mom mentioned something about looking into it, I have always had artistic ablitities and that would be something to think about. I keep forgeting about all the things I used to enjoyed doing. I need to take a look at some of those things again and remind myself because I do have alot of talents and things that I like to do. I need to get back into them. Anyways I just wanted to write and say how excited I feel about Monday, I am feeling good and confident about it this time, although I have alot of stress and things I need to do this next week but I am looking forward to this next week also and I need to keep a positive twist to all of it.

Happy New Year 2009!!!

It's finally 2009! I am so anxious to be moving forward with my life. This first few days of January are so kick back but the Monday on the 5th things get very stressed and busy, I am not looking forward to it because there is alot I have to do, I have the 1st day of college and the girls first day of thier new school, and it all gets crazier as the week goes on. Anyway we are all back here in Cedar finally and back in my own home it feels so nice. I am a little exhasted from the change and all but nothing we haven't adjusted to before, still its a little hard at first. So I will be writing more about what happens after school starts and tell a little about my first week of school again.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING....

"I learned that we can do anything.....but we can't do everything.....at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities, not in terms of what activity or activities you do, but when you do them. TIMING IS EVERYTHING."

-Dan Millman-

Its almost time to go back home!

So I haven't even posted anything for a long time and now is almost christmas. I think I got a real good taste of reality and everything is so much to take in. If you asked me one year ago where I would be this is the last place I would have guessed, my optimistic attitude --- out the window, I haven't been myself and it is so depressing, I am an angry, mean, negative person latley and what bothers me most is I treat the people I love the most that way without a second thought, it feels horrible deep down. I have been talking with a counciler for mental health and they say I am probably suffering from post tramatic stress syndrome. I don't know what to think, all I know is I am not myself and that seems to be a issue I deal with throughout my life, but this time is different, before it was easily identified as drug addiction, this time I got no real excuse or reason and the thing is no one could even begin to understand what it is that I am going through. I wish they did, then it would be a hell of alot easier to understand myself. I WILL BE OKAY..... THIS TOO SHALL PASS......

Its Been A While.......

So I have been busy this last week visiting with my sister and her husband and my two little nephews. It was really nice to see them, but I am afraid they were a little bored, we didn't do anything really exciting but those two little boys are so cute and fun to be around, even when they are sick! I felt bad for my sister because it seems like when she does come she ends up having to make a dr. appointment, and this doctor's office is rediculas!! It's usually a couple hours to be expected. Anyway they are in provo now and then going back to Canada sometime in the next week.

I have been having great progress in my physical therapy! This next week is my last week and I don't want it to be but my insurance stops covering it on November 1st. So I go there 3 times a week, then I have been water walking at the swimming pool once a week but I want to do go there at least 3-4 times because it really helps. I asked the physical therapist when I can start thinking about finding a job because I am really worried about all that....REALLY WORRIED! He said I could go ahead and find a job but nothing that requires me to lift 25 pounds or more for the next 6 months.

I got an answer back from SUU about the financial aid situation, they decided that I would owe $1916.00. I honestly am very depressed about that but what can I do? They were really encouraging and I was able to work out a payment plan with the cashier's office. They took the red flag off my account so I can register for the 2nd semester and I can still recieve financial aid. So that is a relief, but still stressed about money, I owe my parents money for my car payments and still haven't paid them back for this laptop so by the time I can pay them I will owe them $1500.00. Anyway me and Star are gonna go to town and make a caffeine stop, we are just waiting for Ashley to get back she got to go to lagoon with her older 16 yr old sister Kori and thier whole family for the weekend, they live in fillmore and Ashley just thinks the world of her, she was so excited to go, so I am sure she is having a really fun time. I miss her already, and can't wait for her to get back!! I will write later with the details of her weekend adventure!!

Overwelmed with future obligations and responsibilities!!

I have been so emotional lately. I am so worried about my financial situation. This is the longest I have ever went without a job, I am so worried about how I am going to pay my bills, I have to renew my registration on my car in December, which poses the biggest worry....how am I going to make X-mas happen for my kids this year???? Since I got sober, money hasn't really been an issue for me, in fact I found that I budget money so well I've become obsessed with it, it's an addiction in itself for me. In my active addiction I always had a job, not to mention the other things I did to make money that were illegal and I barely made it by. I never had nice things like I do now and I most definatly stayed clear of banks and saving money. I am 31 and the first checking account I've ever had I started 3 yrs ago, its not because I didn't have the money to do it I just stayed away from things like that. I know myself pretty well and I knew I wasn't responsible enough to have a checking account back then. Its sounds weird I know. I am so worried about my money situation and the economy right now its to the point I start crying about it and then go down to my parents basement and hide so I can unleash my emotions. Whenever I am upset I do things like clean and hide so no one sees me in an emotional wreck and I don't get embarraced. Needless to say, my parents basement is CLEAN AND ORGANIZED! Even with a broken back, I did it. It took a couple days and Star and Ash had to help me move the bigger things, but I swept and made it look nice, I even washed Drew's sheets and made his bed perfectly because after all the dust settled from sweeping I felt guilty and didn't want him climbing into a dirty dust filled bed. I don't know maybe I just did it all so I could prove to myself that I am able to work and now its time for me to start looking for a job. I must admit doing all that work downstairs really wasn't the best idea because I was in pain, it exhasted me. My previous job was a desk clerk at a motel, so I know for a fact if I could find someone to hire me in a position like that it would be perfect. I have 2yrs of experience and my worries would be over! I feel so lazy, I just want a job, how am I going to take care of my family? I paid my bills up to December with the grant money I got for school like all students do, the only bills I have to pay are my phone bill. The car payment goes to my parents and I still owe them for this laptop. I feel incredibly guilty for not keeping up with all that. I have half of the grant and scholarship money left but I am saving it in case I have to pay it back. Thats another worry, although I have a medical withdrawl from school, I haven't got any response from the dean about it and what comes next, mainly my big #1 question is do I have to pay the $3,000 back to finacial aid???? If so I won't be starting my next semester because I will be working to pay that back so I can start back up, not to mention all my other bills, I am overwelmed with all these thoughts and questions, and the thought of Christmas coming.... I gotta go down to the basement for a while and hide.