TIMING IS EVERYTHING....

"I learned that we can do anything.....but we can't do everything.....at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities, not in terms of what activity or activities you do, but when you do them. TIMING IS EVERYTHING."

-Dan Millman-

Its almost time to go back home!

So I haven't even posted anything for a long time and now is almost christmas. I think I got a real good taste of reality and everything is so much to take in. If you asked me one year ago where I would be this is the last place I would have guessed, my optimistic attitude --- out the window, I haven't been myself and it is so depressing, I am an angry, mean, negative person latley and what bothers me most is I treat the people I love the most that way without a second thought, it feels horrible deep down. I have been talking with a counciler for mental health and they say I am probably suffering from post tramatic stress syndrome. I don't know what to think, all I know is I am not myself and that seems to be a issue I deal with throughout my life, but this time is different, before it was easily identified as drug addiction, this time I got no real excuse or reason and the thing is no one could even begin to understand what it is that I am going through. I wish they did, then it would be a hell of alot easier to understand myself. I WILL BE OKAY..... THIS TOO SHALL PASS......

Its Been A While.......

So I have been busy this last week visiting with my sister and her husband and my two little nephews. It was really nice to see them, but I am afraid they were a little bored, we didn't do anything really exciting but those two little boys are so cute and fun to be around, even when they are sick! I felt bad for my sister because it seems like when she does come she ends up having to make a dr. appointment, and this doctor's office is rediculas!! It's usually a couple hours to be expected. Anyway they are in provo now and then going back to Canada sometime in the next week.

I have been having great progress in my physical therapy! This next week is my last week and I don't want it to be but my insurance stops covering it on November 1st. So I go there 3 times a week, then I have been water walking at the swimming pool once a week but I want to do go there at least 3-4 times because it really helps. I asked the physical therapist when I can start thinking about finding a job because I am really worried about all that....REALLY WORRIED! He said I could go ahead and find a job but nothing that requires me to lift 25 pounds or more for the next 6 months.

I got an answer back from SUU about the financial aid situation, they decided that I would owe $1916.00. I honestly am very depressed about that but what can I do? They were really encouraging and I was able to work out a payment plan with the cashier's office. They took the red flag off my account so I can register for the 2nd semester and I can still recieve financial aid. So that is a relief, but still stressed about money, I owe my parents money for my car payments and still haven't paid them back for this laptop so by the time I can pay them I will owe them $1500.00. Anyway me and Star are gonna go to town and make a caffeine stop, we are just waiting for Ashley to get back she got to go to lagoon with her older 16 yr old sister Kori and thier whole family for the weekend, they live in fillmore and Ashley just thinks the world of her, she was so excited to go, so I am sure she is having a really fun time. I miss her already, and can't wait for her to get back!! I will write later with the details of her weekend adventure!!

Overwelmed with future obligations and responsibilities!!

I have been so emotional lately. I am so worried about my financial situation. This is the longest I have ever went without a job, I am so worried about how I am going to pay my bills, I have to renew my registration on my car in December, which poses the biggest worry....how am I going to make X-mas happen for my kids this year???? Since I got sober, money hasn't really been an issue for me, in fact I found that I budget money so well I've become obsessed with it, it's an addiction in itself for me. In my active addiction I always had a job, not to mention the other things I did to make money that were illegal and I barely made it by. I never had nice things like I do now and I most definatly stayed clear of banks and saving money. I am 31 and the first checking account I've ever had I started 3 yrs ago, its not because I didn't have the money to do it I just stayed away from things like that. I know myself pretty well and I knew I wasn't responsible enough to have a checking account back then. Its sounds weird I know. I am so worried about my money situation and the economy right now its to the point I start crying about it and then go down to my parents basement and hide so I can unleash my emotions. Whenever I am upset I do things like clean and hide so no one sees me in an emotional wreck and I don't get embarraced. Needless to say, my parents basement is CLEAN AND ORGANIZED! Even with a broken back, I did it. It took a couple days and Star and Ash had to help me move the bigger things, but I swept and made it look nice, I even washed Drew's sheets and made his bed perfectly because after all the dust settled from sweeping I felt guilty and didn't want him climbing into a dirty dust filled bed. I don't know maybe I just did it all so I could prove to myself that I am able to work and now its time for me to start looking for a job. I must admit doing all that work downstairs really wasn't the best idea because I was in pain, it exhasted me. My previous job was a desk clerk at a motel, so I know for a fact if I could find someone to hire me in a position like that it would be perfect. I have 2yrs of experience and my worries would be over! I feel so lazy, I just want a job, how am I going to take care of my family? I paid my bills up to December with the grant money I got for school like all students do, the only bills I have to pay are my phone bill. The car payment goes to my parents and I still owe them for this laptop. I feel incredibly guilty for not keeping up with all that. I have half of the grant and scholarship money left but I am saving it in case I have to pay it back. Thats another worry, although I have a medical withdrawl from school, I haven't got any response from the dean about it and what comes next, mainly my big #1 question is do I have to pay the $3,000 back to finacial aid???? If so I won't be starting my next semester because I will be working to pay that back so I can start back up, not to mention all my other bills, I am overwelmed with all these thoughts and questions, and the thought of Christmas coming.... I gotta go down to the basement for a while and hide.

My Follow up in Murrey at the Trauma Unit

So I went to the hospital in Murrey to review my X-rays and Brain CT scan from the hemotoma. I was really anxious to hear what the doc had to say. I had a handful of questions to ask him literally, I mean I wrote all the things I had inquiries about on the palm of my hand. I have had a little forgetfulness and short term memory loss still, so I asked if that was normal and how long to expect it, he told me up to a year long, and I was so sad when he said that because I was planning to go back to SUU for the 2nd semester, he said I might want to rethink that, so I left his office a little discouraged on that issue. As for the rest of the visit, my back is healing normal, I am going to start physical therapy, I am able to start swimming in the swimming pool which I was very excited about. I am able to drive my car now, but I'm not going too because I don't need to go too many places here in Delta, due to my past drug abuse issues, basically this is my old stomping grounds and I don't need to run into any old friends. I am fine with going places with my family and cousins. The best news was he said it was time to start weaning myself off this back brace, I call it a turtle shell because thats what it feels and looks like. So once or twice a day I can take it off for 15 - 20 minutes. And FINALLY I get to shower or bathe without it. So everything is healing up faster than expected, I am just worried and stressed about my brain issues, I just want to get back to school.

Graditude is Attitude

I am starting to come around. I was at the hospital yesterday doing a CT scan for the hematoma in my brain, and it was at that moment that it occured to me just by talking with her how lucky I am to be here alive and breathing. It doesn't seem like it was really that serious when I think about my accident each day, but i really think it is so surreal just because of all the really dangerous things I did on a daily basis during my drug abuse before I found recovery for my addictions. Thats where it all gets confusing, what is my purpose in this life, what is it that I am still around for? It has to be something special and meaningful, because I have lived through all this for some reason. I learned something special about me a long time ago, I have this optimistic spirit, it got me through negative hurtful times that most people would look at in different ways. I learned to look at the best out of the worst situation, and through that I changed my whole life. I am grateful to have that trait. In my heart I know Attitude is the key to life and it is everything. How do I teach that to my stubborn teenage daughter? That is my next task. It feel like a mission impossible, but I know she has that part of me in her somewhere. We just have to find where, and quick!!

Mama Mia!!

So me, my 2 daughters, mom and aunt went to see "mama mia" the other night. I have never seen anything like it in my life!! I'm not talking about the movie I am talking about the people there at the movie. They were all decked out in hippie crazy sequins. I kept thinking its October 1st, not the 31st right? Is this brain injury I have really messing with me that bad? When we got in our seats and the movie started everyone was singing and dancing all over in the theater. It was truely the funnest thing I have done in forever. My little Ashley got up and started dancing with everyone, I love her for the way she has no shame in doing crazy, fun, odd ball stuff. She was singing so loud all the way home we almost missed the turn to the house because we were laughing so hard we were crying. I would have danced along with them all but I was worried about the comfort I myself would be feeling or not feeling with my broken back, it was so much fun I disregarded that and really enjoyed the whole thing. IT WAS AWESOME!

Broken Backs Hurt!!!

I am so tired and I am sick of being stuck with nothing to do. I got to hang out with my cousin Jill today and her new baby, her other daughter looks alot like my daughter Ashley when she was younger. I am healing slowly but surely, I have been in alot of pain today. I have to keep reminding myself I am lucky to be alive. I really am. My memory is horrible from the brain injury I have a hard time remembering things and say off the wall things like, 2nd trimester instead of 2nd semester, its irritating, everything is latley. I just want to be back in my own home, but its been getting alot better here at my parents house. My sister will be here on the 20th with her husband and my 2 nephews, I am very excited, I miss them so much, I couldn't ask for a better sister. I haven't wrote for a while and I don't know why. I want to write some crazy stories but my mom has me all parinoid that the wrong person could read this and use it against me. For instance a job or something later down the road or in my life. I am really the type of girl who has nothing to hide, I am not ashamed to admit my wrongs and mistakes because it has made me the girl I am today, a surviver and someone I am proud to say I love now, yes me myself, I love me and am finally comfortable in my own skin. It took 15 yrs. but I am who I am, and proud of it. Does this sound lame or gay? What the hell who cares.

Recovering Addict - Recovering from the ICU unit

There is so many things to say but hard to say it all. I am a recovering meth addict, I had almost 3 yrs of sobriety until labor day weekend. I am working through that, the thing about my 4wheeler accident was I was stone cold sober! It was just a freak accident. Lots of people have asked if it was alcohal or drug related or they assume what they assume. Last night I went to a 12 step meeting, its hard to adjust to a new place with new people and the meetings are alot different here than where I am from. All I know is I am committed to my recovery, this is my life we are talking about, I am not willing to lose everything again, I got a little taste of what sobriety was like and I saw the miricles working in my life, in front of my very eyes. Open, honest and willing are the keys of staying sober. I try to live by that on a day to day basis.

Something to be reminded of

A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his image.

-Joan Didion

A piece out of a memior I am reading. "Breaking Clean" by Judy Blunt

adjusting to different routines

The last few days have been long. I am starting to feel better and take less pain medication. I was having a really hard time accepting this had really happened to me, its still kinda weird. I was living out my dream as a full time student. I am 31 yrs old and it took me a long time to get to a place in my life where I was ready to start my education and find a career and follow my dreams. Now I am sitting in my home town with a broken back at my parents house wishing I could be in my own home now, but I have to be optimistic. I am just gratefu to be alive.

Broken Back Victim